My Fat Ass Dress

I am so very lucky to be the recipient of many a bag of unwanted clothes. I am only too happy to adopt any wayward bags destined for the Salvation Army and gleefully sort through them to pull out tidbits worthy of saving for myself or my friends. I often keep more than I should but hey... they are easily packed up again and donated when you have tired of them piling up and never being worn.

I received several awesome bags full of summer clothing back in June of this year. How wonderful!!! Summer was coming and I needed some new stuff so the timing was perfect. The bags were "choice" as I told my mother later. Her friend Carole had given them to her and she has great taste and buys quality pieces. I kept nearly everything from these bags except for the odd piece that was too small for me.

One of the things I kept was a loose cotton t-shirt dress. Very plain, very basic but cool and comfortable and fine for around the house. I had never owned a t-shirt dress before because they are one of those pieces of clothing that is really only suited to the very thin. I have too many rolls and too bumpy parts on my body and let's face it... these straight cut dresses tend to show them all.

When I initially tried the dress on I noticed it was a bit big for me which, as far as I was concerned, was its only saving grace. Any smaller and the rolls and bumps would have been very noticeable and rendered the dress as yet another drawer hogger (as you well know... drawer hoggers are those pieces of clothing that you own and say you are going to wear but never ever do). As it was, I felt the dress slimmed me somewhat and might actually look good enough to wear in out in the general public.

By July, a scant month later, I had gained 5 lbs. Now 5 lbs is really nothing... is it not? Like, what is 5 lbs after all?

I had some friends down for the weekend and since it was very hot and muggy I slipped this dress on. It was the first time that I had worn it and they both commented on it saying it suited me and looked very comfortable.

Later that day we decided to go for a hike over at the Wainfleet Bog, a lovely nature preserve just 5 minutes from where I live. One of my friends brought her camera along in hopes of snapping some interesting pictures.

She did get some great shots that day and unfortunately, she also ended up with a life size shot of my fat ass dress.

Whoa you say! Just when did this doesn't-get-any-better-than-free t-shirt dress become My Fat Ass Dress?

When I saw my fat ass in full living colour on my friends Facebook page. That's when.

Good grief! It was huge and there it was. I had no idea my ass would look soooooo big in this dress but the evidence was quite obviously right in front of me. And of course I was tagged so everyone on her friends list could see (and what a large friends list it is... almost as large as my ass!).

When I had first tried it on I did a quick turn in the mirror and I didn't remember my ass looking like that.

I messaged her immediately and pleaded for her to remove the picture. She did, being the good friend that she is. (I was afraid she was going to torture me for a while but she didn't... thank you Marsha!)

Strangely enough, she was visiting me this past weekend and she mentioned that she showed the bog pictures to her boyfriend and the first thing he said was, "who is that chick with the fat ass?".

And here it is... the very next day and I go to my sky high pile of laundry baskets and there is my fat ass dress, sitting right on top. Unworn since the trip to the Wainfleet Bog and the whole Facebook fiasco. Sitting there forlornly... wondering when, if ever, it would be worn again.

I grabbed it and put it on. I figured what did I have to do today? I had to take my Grandmother over to the Seniors Center and pick her up after 2 hours. During those 2 hours I would pop over and visit my mother who was babysitting my nephew in town. Nobody of any consequence would see my fat ass.

As it turned out, after I dropped my Grandmother off, I stopped by to see my mom only to discover that she had taken Curtis to the play center in town and wouldn't be back for another 45 minutes or so.

I decided that it would be good to knock off the bank trip that I needed to make to Welland. It had to be done sometime this week and since I was already half way there I should take care of it now.

So up to the bank I went not really thinking about how my fat ass was out there. And it would have gone okay too except for bad timing.

As I stood at the teller, a wee boy of about 3 came in with his grandmother. There was only 1 teller open so they stood in the line up behind me. I was putting my wallet away and turning to leave when I saw the little boy and gave him a big smile.

He promptly smiled back and said,

"You have a big butt!!!"

Needless to say... the dress dies today.