Missing In Action

I have noticed over the last couple of months, with increasing alarm, that my underwear seem to have legs of their own and regularly go missing.

Now this is not a "lost sock in the dryer" kind of problem. This is a serious "where the fuck are my underwear" problem. Most worrisome is my favourite pair of underwear is now missing... they have taken a panty hiatus and I would really appreciate it if they would come back.

You know those underwear that seem to work magic around your mid-section and are comfortable to wear no matter what sort of outer clothes you have on? Those are the underwear that are gone and I really miss them. I have an important social engagement tonight and would like to have them along for the occasion.

Perhaps it is time (as I have been so threatening to do for months) to sort through all those piled up baskets of folded laundry and find them. I did a cursory check and they do not seem to be there. Nor do any other wayward pairs seem to be surfacing.

I did all my laundry this week and yet... I do not have a single pair of clean underwear.

So, after a more thorough check of the neglected laundry baskets, only one explanation is possible.

Aliens are stealing my underwear.

Yes, you read that right. I have given this a lot of thought and it is the only thing that makes any sense. Now I know you are laughing and say this is not possible but let me tell you... Lake Erie is a haven for UFO's. Being that it is now late August and UFO season is in full swing I have finally made the extraterrestrial connection.

As I sleep peacefully in my bed at night those scheming little grey men are hovering offshore somewhere, beaming my panties over to their spaceship. I don't know what sort of use they would have for my undergarments but there is obviously a pressing need or so many of them would not be missing. Perhaps they are some sort of emergency fuel or even some sort of exotic culinary treat. I surely do not know however I am certain other folks around here have the same problem but are too embarrassed to talk about it.

I don't have the first clue how to keep my poor panties from being purloined by aliens but I am well prepared to do a special "underwear only" load of laundry today. I have formulated a plan whereby they are washed and dried under the care of armed guards then painstakingly folded and wrapped in several layers of tinfoil to keep them safe from the alien beam. If this proves to be ineffective I may need to buy a lead-lined safe over at Canadian Tire.

Of course the only glitch in my theory is that my black body shapers sent me a postcard from Brighton, England the other day. I'm not sure how they got there... perhaps the aliens found they were not as combustible (or delicious) as cotton panties and dropped them off there for a vacation.